‫- LAST SEASON ON AWKWARD...
‫- IN THE COURSE ‫OF A RELATIONSHIP,
‫IF THINGS DIDN'T EVOLVE, ‫THEY THREATENED TO GO EXTINCT.
‫I'M WORRIED THIS COLLIN THING
‫MIGHT BE MORE THAN ‫JUST A FANTASY.
‫- EVERYONE'S TALKING ABOUT ‫HOW YOUR PARENTS ARE BROKE.
‫AAH! ‫[thud]
‫- YOU HAVE TO HAVE ‫A GUARDIAN OVER 18.
‫- DO YOU WANT HER? ‫- YES!
‫- SOLD! ‫SADIE'S YOUR NEW BABY.
‫- I LOVED BEING PRESIDENT, ‫AND YOU RUINED THAT FOR ME.
‫- END IT WITH COLLIN ‫OR TELL MATTY.
‫all: SURPRISE!
‫- YOU BREAKING UP WITH ME? ‫- I'M SO, SO SORRY, MATTY.
‫I'M SO SORRY. ‫- WE WEREN'T TAKING SIDES,
‫BUT WE ARE NOW. ‫AND WE ARE NOT ON YOURS.
‫- I'M SORRY, J. ‫YOU'RE SUSPENDED.
‫- I RUINED FRIENDSHIPS ‫BECAUSE OF YOU.
‫- IT IS ALL ON YOU, JENNA. ‫- I HAD HIT ROCK BOTTOM.
‫I WANTED MY LIFE BACK. ‫- MATTY, THIS MY FRIEND BAILEY.
‫- I JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE
‫THAT YOU WERE COOL WITH ME ‫ASKING BAILEY.
‫- HOW 'BOUT YOU GUYS ‫HAVE THIS DANCE?
‫- DIDN'T KNOW ‫WE WERE STILL OPEN.
‫- AND I DIDN'T KNOW ‫WE WERE CLOSED.
‫I WANNA BE THAT GIRL WHO DOESN'T ‫NEED A BOY TO BE HAPPY,
‫BECAUSE I'LL KNOW HOW TO DANCE ‫ALL ON MY OWN.
‫- DECIDING WHO I WANTED ‫TO BE WAS SO LIBERATING,
‫SO EMPOWERING.
‫MEN, SENSING ‫MY INNER STRENGTH,
‫FLOCKED TO ME.
‫MOTHS TO MY FLAME.
‫WHEN I DECIDED ‫I DIDN'T NEED MEN,
‫THEY ALL DECIDED ‫THEY NEEDED ME.
‫THEY CRAVED EVERY THOUGHT ‫IN MY HEAD
‫AND EVERY INCH OF MY BODY.
‫[sultry music]
‫HE WORKED HIS WAY DOWN ‫MY TORSO,
‫AND WHEN HE GOT TO MY CENTER ‫OF NEED,
‫IT FELT SO GOOD.
‫OH, SO GOOD.
‫[moans]
‫- IT'S SENIOR YEAR! ‫GET IT!
‫- OH, SHE GOT IT.
‫- OH.
‫- OHH! ‫OH, OVER-SQUIRTED.
‫STICKY FINGERS.
‫DID YOU WASH YOUR HANDS? ‫- LACEY!
‫- MOM! ‫- GET OVER IT, YOU TWO.
‫EVERYONE MASTURBATES.
‫IT'S NOT LIKE ‫I HAVEN'T CAUGHT YOU
‫RUBBING ONE OUT ‫AT YOUR LAPTOP, MISTER.
‫- UH...SO, JENNA,
‫SENIOR YEAR, HUH? ‫SENIORS RULE THE ROOST.
‫YOU'RE GONNA HAVE SO MUCH FUN ‫THIS YEAR.
‫- IT WAS SUCH A BLAST.
‫WELL, UNTIL MY MORNING SICKNESS.
‫HONEY, A HOODIE?
‫AREN'T SENIOR PICTURES TODAY?
‫- THIS IS HOW I ALWAYS LOOK.
‫- IT'S NOT REALLY A LOOK.
‫HOW ABOUT EARRINGS?
‫A LITTLE MAKEUP, ‫A COLORFUL TOP--
‫YOU'LL STAND OUT ‫A LITTLE MORE.
‫- I DON'T WANT TO STAND OUT. ‫- BUT IT'S SENIOR YEAR.
‫ARE YOU DEPRESSED ‫ABOUT BEING SINGLE?
‫- NO. I LIKE BEING ‫SINGLE.
‫I'M GETTING TO KNOW ‫MYSELF AGAIN.
‫- YEAH. ‫WE SAW, HONEY.
‫HEY, BETTER BEAT AROUND ‫YOUR OWN BUSH
‫THAN GET INTO BOY TROUBLE, ‫HMM?
‫- OKAY, I'M OFF ‫TO HOME DEPOT,
‫GONNA GET A LOCK ‫FOR THAT DOOR.
‫- LET ME TAKE YOU SHOPPING ‫FOR SOME CUTE CLOTHES.
‫OUR LAST BACK-TO-SCHOOL ‫SHOPPING EVER.
‫SOME CUTE JAMMIES ‫FOR SENIOR SLEEPOVERS,
‫SOMETHING PEPPY ‫FOR HOMECOMING,
‫PROM-- ‫- MOM.
‫IT'S THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL. ‫PACE YOURSELF.
‫- COME ON.
‫JUST A QUICK TRIP TO ‫THE MALL AFTER SCHOOL.
‫- OKAY, FINE.
‫ONLY IF YOU LET GO
‫OF YOUR ‫COMPLETE MAKEOVER AGENDA.
‫- DONE.
‫- I'D COME A LONG WAY ‫FROM SOPHOMORE YEAR.
‫FROM BEING ‫RANDOM SUICIDE GIRL
‫WHO HOOKED UP ‫WITH MATTY MCKIBBEN,
‫BUT ENDED UP DATING ‫JAKE ROSATI,
‫TO RANDOM SUICIDE GIRL
‫WHO STUPIDLY CHEATED ‫ON MATTY MCKIBBEN
‫WITH AN EPIC DOUCHEBAG, ‫TO, WELL...
‫JUST A RANDOM GIRL AGAIN.
‫IT WAS A REFRESHING START ‫TO A NEW STIGMA-FREE YEAR.
‫- HEY, HAMILTOE!
‫HEARD YOU WERE CAUGHT ‫PEARL FISHING
‫IN YOUR RED LOBSTER ‫THIS MORNING.
‫- DID I REALLY NEED ‫TO TELL MY MOTHER
‫NOT TO TELL HER FRIENDS ‫ABOUT MY TENDER BUTTONING?
‫- HOW EMBARRASSING.
‫MUST MAKE YOU WANT ‫TO KILL YOURSELF.
‫BETTER LUCK THIS TIME.
‫[pop music blasts ‫on radio]
‫- NICE WHEELS.
‫- YOUR TWEETING MUST REALLY ‫BE PAYING OFF.
‫- BETTER THAN YOUR TWATTING.
‫FYI, YOU'RE LOOKING ‫A LITTLE BRASSY.
‫PROBABLY BEST NOT TO BUY ‫YOUR BLONDE
‫AT THE 99 CENT STORE.
‫ALTHOUGH IF YOU EMBRACE IT ‫AND GET MATCHING TRAMP STAMPS
‫AND IMPLANTS, ‫YOU'LL BE ALL SET
‫FOR YOUR LUCRATIVE ‫POST-HIGH SCHOOL CAREER
‫HANGING FROM POLES ‫AT THE SPEARMINT RHINO.
‫YOU'RE WELCOME.
‫- [sighs] ‫WOW.
‫THE BIATCH REALLY ‫IS BACK.
‫- SHE'S SO SNATCHY.
‫both: ‫LOVE HER.
‫- ALREADY I WAS FEELING
‫THE CORE EMOTIONAL DRAMA ‫OF SENIOR YEAR--
‫THE SADNESS OF DOING SOMETHING ‫FOR THE LAST TIME EVER
‫MIXED WITH ‫THE THRILL OF KNOWING
‫YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO DO ‫ANY OF THIS [bleep] AGAIN.
‫- BEING THE BE-WOC-- ‫BIG WOMAN ON CAMPUS--
‫HAS ME IN MANIC-PANIC ‫MULTITASK MODE.
‫AS CLASS PRESIDENT, ‫I AM RESPONSIBLE
‫FOR THE SENIOR SLEEPOVER, ‫WHICH IS JUST TWO NIGHTS AWAY.
‫IT IS A HUGELY B.B.F.D.!
‫THEN THERE'S PEP RALLY, ‫SPIRIT WEEK,
‫PLUS I HAVE TO CRANK UP ‫MY GPAs, RETAKE MY S.A.T.s,
‫MY S.A.T. IIs, THREE MORE APs--
‫EVEN FOR A QUANT, ‫THAT IS A LOT TO DIGEST.
‫MY INFO-OVERLOAD IS INCHING ‫TOWARD INFO-BESITY.
‫- WELL, ‫GOOD MORNING TO YOU TOO.
‫- THEO, COLE. ‫ARE YOU GETTING THIS?
‫THIS MAGIC MOMENT ‫WILL NEVER, EVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
‫- "MAGIC"? ‫WHAT MAGIC?
‫THIS CROWD'S ‫A CHEESY SLICE OF BASIC
‫DRIPPING ONTO THE FLOOR OF ‫SOME PIZZA PARLOR IN TUSTIN.
‫- IT'S LIKE MALL ‫OF AMERICA ON THE BEACH.
‫WHO WANTS TO REMEMBER ‫ANY OF THIS SICK [bleep]?
‫- IT'S LIKE SOMEONE THREW UP
‫THE CAST OF GLEE ‫ON OUR BLEACHERS.
‫both: IT'S SICK! ‫- OKAY, ENOUGH!
‫I DIDN'T RECRUIT YOU GUYS ‫TO FILM THE BLAIR BITCH PROJECT.
‫NOW GET TO WORK, ‫OR I WILL STRAP YOU DOWN
‫AND MAKE YOU WATCH ‫IT GETS BETTER VIDEOS
‫UNTIL YOU BLEED EMPATHY.
‫- WHY DO YOU PUT UP ‫WITH THOSE GUYS?
‫- BECAUSE THEY'RE GOOD.
‫THEIR LAST SHORT FILM, ‫BEING GAY IS GAY
‫ACTUALLY MADE IT ‫INTO FESTIVALS.
‫DEALING WITH TALENT IS ‫A NIGHTMARE.
‫UGH.
‫STILL NOT USED ‫TO THIS JAKE-OVER.
‫SO NOT LOVING IT.
‫- REALLY? I KIND OF DO.
‫IT'S COMPLICATED.
‫KIND OF HOT.
‫- UGH.
‫- * SHE ‫- JAKE!
‫WOULD YOU PLEASE ‫BE SO KIND
‫AS TO PUT THE GUITAR AWAY ‫FOR THE CLASS PHOTO,
‫WHICH IT IS ‫MY PRESIDENTIAL DUTY
‫TO REMIND YOU, ‫IS NOT AN ALBUM COVER.
‫- OH, LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE PUT ON ‫HER BOSSY PANTS THIS MORNING.
‫[laughs] ‫- OKAY, EVERYBODY NEEDS TO SIT!
‫COME ON! COME ON!
‫ARE YOU WALKING ‫THROUGH MOLASSES, PEOPLE?
‫MOVE YOUR FEET!
‫YOU'RE DOWN THERE.
‫- I HADN'T SEEN MATTY ‫ALL SUMMER.
‫SO SEEING HIM TODAY, ‫I FELT...
‫LIKE WHAT I FELT ‫DIDN'T MATTER ANYMORE.
‫I HAD MY CHANCE WITH MATTY, ‫AND I HAD BLOWN IT.
‫IT WAS TIME TO BE AN ADULT ‫AND DEAL WITH THE PRESENT.
‫MATTY HAD MOVED ON. ‫HE WAS SPOKEN FOR.
‫END OF STORY.
‫- HI.
‫- HEY. ‫HOW WAS YOUR SUMMER?
‫- UM...
‫SOCCER CAMP WAS VERY INTENSE.
‫YEAH. BUT GOOD.
‫I KIND OF MISSED ‫REGULAR CAMP THOUGH.
‫YOU KNOW, SEEING YOU THERE-- ‫- OKAY!
‫ENOUGH CHITCHAT.
‫TIME TO GET THIS MOMENT ‫FROZEN FOREVER.
‫- OKAY.
‫- I CAN'T BELIEVE MING'S GONE.
‫IT WAS SO SUDDEN.
‫- I KNOW. ‫IT SUCKS.
‫- WILL WE EVER RECOVER FROM ‫THE END OF THE MING DYNASTY?
‫- SO MANY EPIC CHANGES OVER ‫ONE SHORT SUMMER...
‫THAT IT WAS REASSURING ‫TO SEE SOME THINGS
‫HADN'T CHANGED AT ALL. ‫- YOU'VE CHANGED.
‫THE OLD LISSA WOULD NEVER, ‫EVER MISS SENIOR PICTURE.
‫- I CAN'T HELP IT.
‫WE'RE TRYING TO GET HOME.
‫AFRICA IS, LIKE, ‫REALLY FAR AWAY.
‫[distant gunshots]
‫- WHAT'S THAT NOISE?
‫- THERE ARE TWO KINDS ‫OF GUERRILLAS HERE--
‫THE ONES THAT LIKE BANANAS
‫AND THE ONES ‫THAT CARRY MACHETES.
‫BUT IT'S ALL BEEN SO WORTH IT,
‫BRINGING THE LORD TO--
‫OH, NO, THEY'RE COMING!
‫- WHO? ‫- THE GUERRILLAS!
‫[screams] ‫- JUST THROW THEM A BANANA.
‫YOU BETTER BE BACK IN TIME ‫FOR CHEER!
‫I NEED YOUR VOTE ‫FOR CAPTAIN!
‫AND FIX YOUR HAIR IF YOU WANT ‫TO BE IN THE PICTURE.
‫[rock music]
‫*
‫* PIE WITH THE MAKER'S HEAD
‫* THE EDUCATED SIN
‫* OH MY GOD, ‫I WANNA BE YOUR FRIEND *
‫* WANNA BE YOUR FRIEND
‫- WHO ARE YOU? ‫- OH, HEY.
‫HOW'S IT GOING? ‫I'M EVA.
‫WHO ARE YOU?
‫- I'M, UH--JUST-- ‫VALERIE MARKS.
‫GIRL FRIDAY/YOUR NEW BFF.
‫DO I KNOW YOU FROM SOMEWHERE?
‫- I DON'T KNOW, DO YOU?
‫I'M THE NEW GIRL ‫AND I'M STARTING MY SENIOR YEAR,
‫AND I WILL TAKE AS MANY FRIENDS ‫AS I CAN GET.
‫MAYBE WE'LL HAVE ‫CLASS TOGETHER.
‫- [gasps] ‫OH.
‫SWEET THING, NO, NO, ‫I'M ON THE FACULTY.
‫- OH, OKAY.
‫YOU JUST SEEM SO YOUNG. ‫- NO. I KNOW, I KNOW.
‫IT'S WHY I RELATE SO WELL ‫WITH ALL THE KIDS.
‫OOH, COME SIT WITH ME.
‫- OKAY.
‫[cell phones chiming ‫and ringing]
‫- OMFG, ‫CAN WE ALL PLEASE FOCUS?
‫THIS FOREVER IS GOING TO BE ‫A NEVER
‫IF WE DON'T GET THIS TOGETHER!
‫CLASS RANKINGS?
‫HOW DID THIS GET OUT?
‫THIS WIKI-LEAKING IS GOING TO
‫CAUSE SERIOUS WIKI-TWEAKING.
‫[gasps]
‫I'M 17! ‫OH, THANK GOD.
‫TUFTS AND BRANDEIS ARE ‫TOTALLY IN MY BALLPARK!
‫OR MAYBE I'LL REACH ‫FOR U. PENN.
‫OR PRINCETON OR--WAIT.
‫JENNA, WHERE ARE YOU?
‫- SADIE'S NUMBER THREE. ‫YUCK.
‫JAKE'S 19.
‫- I WISH OUR CLOSENESS IN RANK
‫CARRIED OVER ‫INTO OUR RELATIONSHIP.
‫OH, LOOK. THERE'S FRED. ‫NOT BAD.
‫AND MATTY--WHOA!
‫HE IS WAY HIGHER ‫THAN I THOUGHT.
‫CHECK IT OUT, JENNA.
‫- OKAY, BUT WHERE AM I? ‫WHY AM I NOT ON HERE?
‫- MAYBE YOU'RE ‫ON THE NEXT PAGE.
‫OR THE NEXT ONE.
‫- OH, MY GOD.
‫- IT'S NOT THAT BAD.
‫- T, I'M 137!
‫- NOW SMILE.
‫[camera shutter clicks]
‫- NOT A PRETTY PICTURE.
‫- [laughs]
‫I'M SORRY.
‫I THOUGHT YOU WERE ‫PULLING MY LEG.
‫I GUESS IT'S INVOLUNTARY ‫MUSCLE TWITCHING.
‫SAY IT AGAIN.
‫- COLLEGE?
‫- HUH... ‫OH, JENNA.
‫DO YOU REALLY THINK ‫THAT YOU HAVE
‫A CHANCE AT GETTING ‫INTO COLLEGE
‫WITH YOUR LOW CLASS RANK?
‫WITH YOUR 139?
‫- 137. ‫- OH, EXCUSE ME.
‫LET'S GET M.I.T. ‫ON THE PHONE.
‫- AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED ‫TO BE HELPING?
‫- WHOA, I AM, J.
‫IT'S CALLED TOUGH LOVE,
‫AND I'M ONE TOUGH LOVER.
‫OKAY, LET'S START ‫WITH YOUR COMPLETE LACK
‫OF PARTICIPATION ‫IN JUST ABOUT EVERYTHING,
‫AND YOUR EMBARRASSING ‫S.A.T. SCORE?
‫THOUGH, IN YOUR DEFENSE, ‫YOU WERE STONED.
‫- IT WAS JUST ONE BAD SEMESTER.
‫- OKAY, I DON'T KNOW ‫WHO OUR WIKILEAKER IS.
‫I WILL HUNT HIM DOWN
‫AND SMOKE HIM ‫OUT OF HIS FOXHOLE,
‫BUT I ACTUALLY THINK HE-- ‫OR SHE, OR ZHE--
‫I'M TRYING OUT SOME GENDER ‫NEUTRAL PRONOUNS THIS YEAR.
‫ANYWAY, I THINK THEY MAY HAVE ‫DONE YOU A FAVOR
‫BY GIVING YOU ‫A REALITY CHECK.
‫I MEAN, EVEN MING GOT ‫HER ACT TOGETHER,
‫GOING OFF TO ARIZONA ‫TO BOARDING SCHOOL,
‫SO SHE CAN GET INTO ‫A DECENT COLLEGE.
‫- IT'S IN VERMONT.
‫- [whispers] ‫I HEARD IOWA.
‫MAYBE THEY RELOCATED HER.
‫- WHO? ‫- [whispers] THE ASIAN MAFIA.
‫ALL WE GOT WAS A LETTER ‫FROM HER PARENTS AND THIS.
‫[suspenseful music]
‫JENNA.
‫LET'S TALK ABOUT ‫YOUR BRAND.
‫- MY BRAND? ‫- IT'S YOUR ONLY SHOT
‫AT PIQUING A COLLEGE'S INTEREST.
‫I KNOW WHAT MY BRAND IS--
‫EMPATHETIC HIPSTER ‫WITH DEEP THOUGHTS
‫AND DISTRACTINGLY SEXY LEGS ‫WHO SPOONS OUT SO MUCH SUGAR
‫NO ONE NOTICES ME ‫MAINLINING THE MEDICINE.
‫BUT WHAT'S "JENNA HAMILTON"?
‫HMM? ‫WHAT MAKES HER SO SPECIAL?
‫- I HAVE NO IDEA. ‫- OH, WELL.
‫YOU CAN ALWAYS REPEAT ‫YOUR JUNIOR YEAR.
‫- WHAT? ‫- AND APPLY YOURSELF THIS TIME.
‫AND REFRAIN FROM HAVING ‫ANOTHER PSYCHOTIC BREAKDOWN
‫AND KNIFING PEOPLE WHO CARE ‫FOR YOU IN THE HEART--
‫THAT WOULD BE ME, ‫IN CASE YOU NEED A CLUE.
‫- HOW MANY TIMES ‫DO I HAVE TO APOLOGIZE?
‫WILL YOU EVER FORGIVE ME?
‫- OF COURSE, JENNA. ‫I'M A MASOCHIST.
‫ANYWAY, ANOTHER YEAR WOULD ‫IMPROVE YOUR ACADEMIC STANDING,
‫AND WE WOULD HAVE FUN TOGETHER.
‫- I THINK I'LL JUST GO FORWARD ‫WITH MY SENIOR YEAR.
‫- THEN HAVE I GOT ‫A TO-DO LIST FOR YOU--
‫RETAKE YOUR SATs,
‫FINISH YOUR TWO INCOMPLETES,
‫GO OUT FOR A SPORT, ‫JOIN SOME CLUBS,
‫BUILD YOUR RESUME, ‫DEFINE YOUR BRAND,
‫AND DROP TO THE FLOOR ‫AND GIVE ME TEN.
‫- YOU WANT ME TO DO PUSH-UPS ‫FOR COLLEGE?
‫- NO, STRICTLY FOR ‫MY ENTERTAINMENT.
‫YOU GOT ME FIRED. ‫YOU THINK I DON'T HOLD GRUDGES?
‫- I MEAN, I GET ‫THAT I MESSED UP LAST YEAR--
‫BUT ALL THIS STUFF I HAVE ‫TO DO TO PAD MY RESUME?
‫WHERE DO I START?
‫- YOU SHOULD JOIN CHEER SQUAD.
‫- ARE YOU JOKING?
‫- WE NEED AN EQUIPMENT MANAGER.
‫WRANGLE A FEW POM-POMS,
‫YOU GOT YOUR FIRST EXTRACURRIC ‫ON YOUR APP.
‫- THANKS, BUT NO THANKS. ‫- YOU'RE 137.
‫AND I NEED AN ALLY ON THE TEAM ‫TO BUFFER ME FROM SADIE.
‫AND BY THE WAY, ‫WTF WAS SHE TALKING ABOUT?
‫YOUR PARENTS CAUGHT YOU ‫TIPTOEING THROUGH THE TULIPS?
‫- WHY IS EVERYONE MAKING ‫SUCH A BIG DEAL
‫OUT OF SOMETHING ‫THAT EVERYONE DOES?
‫- NOT EVERYONE. ‫- OH, PLEASE.
‫- JAKE SATISFIES ‫ALL MY SEXUAL NEEDS.
‫- OH, HOW NICE FOR YOU.
‫- THOUGH I AM CURIOUS.
‫WHEN YOU...DO... ‫YOU KNOW?
‫- CRACK THE CODE, T. ‫- FINE.
‫DO YOU HAVE ORGASMS?
‫- WHY ELSE WOULD I DO IT?
‫- SO, LIKE, NORMAL BIG Os ‫OR BIGGER BIG Os?
‫I'M JUST CURIOUS ‫HOW THEY COMPARE TO MINE,
‫AND WHAT I'VE READ ‫ON WIKIPEDIA
‫AND VARIOUS ‫AND SUNDRY SEX BLOGS.
‫- TAMARA, HAVE YOU EVER ‫HAD AN ORGASM?
‫- WITH JAKE OR IN GENERAL? ‫- EITHER.
‫- ALL THE TIME. ‫I'M PRETTY SURE.
‫- YOU'D KNOW IF YOU'D HAD ONE.
‫[door squeaking]
‫- [whispers] ‫IT'S ALL ABOUT THE CLIT.
‫[Jake playing guitar]
‫*
‫- WOULD YOU PLEASE STOP?
‫I'M TRYING TO CONCENTRATE.
‫- WHAT ABOUT A STUDY BREAK?
‫- I'VE GOT ‫A MILLION THINGS TO DO.
‫- OH, THAT'S FUNNY,
‫'CAUSE I'VE ONLY ‫GOT ONE THING ON MY MIND.
‫- [sighs]
‫- * YOU DON'T HAVE TO SPEAK ‫I ALREADY KNOW THE DEAL *
‫* YOU'RE FAITHFUL ‫AND WILLING TO DO MY WILL *
‫* IF I EVER NEED SOMETHING, ‫YOU GO AND GET IT *
‫* IF I GOT SOMETHING NEW ‫IN MIND YOU'RE DOWN WITH IT *
‫- [grunts] ‫ALL DONE.
‫THAT WAS GREAT. ‫- YEAH, IT WAS.
‫- I NEED TO BE VALEDICTORIAN.
‫- WHY NOT BE HAPPY ‫WITH NUMBER THREE?
‫- BECAUSE THAT'S COMPLACENCY,
‫AND COMPLACENCY LEADS ‫TO STUPIDITY AND OBESITY.
‫- AND YOU'RE NEITHER,
‫SO MAYBE YOU COULD BE ‫A LITTLE COMPLACENT.
‫- [sighs]
‫- WOULD YOU BE MORE RELAXED?
‫- I HATE BEING RELAXED!
‫GOD, YOU'RE SUCH AN IDIOT, ‫IT'S IRRITATING.
‫[knock on door]
‫- YOU GUYS ABOUT TO SCREW?
‫- CAN YOU GET OUT OF MY ROOM? ‫WE'RE DOING HOMEWORK.
‫- I'M GLAD YOU'RE GETTING IT ‫REGULARLY.
‫YOU'RE A LITTLE ‫LESS OF A BEAST.
‫DID SHE TELL YOU ‫ABOUT JENNA
‫RUBBING ONE OUT ‫THIS MORNING?
‫LITTLE BITCH HAD ‫A LITTLE ITCH.
‫[laughs]
‫- IF YOU GIVE US SOME PRIVACY,
‫I'LL LET YOU USE THE CAR LATER.
‫- WE HAVE TEN PLACES TO GO ‫BEFORE THEY CLOSE.
‫- MOM, YOU SAID ‫THIS WOULDN'T TAKE LONG.
‫I'VE GOT A MILLION THINGS ‫TO DO,
‫INCLUDING COLLEGE APPS, ‫A BIOLOGY QUIZ
‫AT THE END OF THE WEEK-- ‫I AM NOT GOOD AT BIOLOGY.
‫- YOU'RE PUTTING ‫TOO MUCH PRESSURE ON YOURSELF.
‫YOU HAVE TO PRIORITIZE SHOPPING.
‫OH, SWEETIE, ‫THERE'S SOMETHING HERE
‫I THINK YOU COULD USE.
‫- WHAT COULD I POSSIBLY USE? ‫OH, GOD!
‫MOM! NO!
‫I DON'T NEED YOU ‫MICROMANAGING ME.
‫THIS IS MY SENIOR YEAR. ‫YOU ALREADY HAD YOURS.
‫SO PLEASE ‫JUST LET ME HAVE MINE.
‫- OKAY, WELL, ‫I'M JUST TRYING TO HELP.
‫- I DON'T NEED YOUR HELP.
‫I DON'T NEED YOUR TIPS ‫ON HOW TO DO MY HAIR,
‫WHAT SHOES TO BUY, ‫HOW TO DRESS,
‫AND MOST CERTAINLY ‫NOT HOW TO MASTURBATE.
‫- JENNA.
‫- MATTY.
‫- LET'S PRETEND ‫THAT YOU DIDN'T HEAR ME
‫JUST YELL THE WORD "MASTURBATE,"
‫AND THAT YOU'RE NOT WEARING ‫FLORAL BOARD SHORTS
‫INSIDE AN INDOOR MALL.
‫- DEAL. ‫YOU DO REALIZE I'M WORKING?
‫- OH. RIGHT.
‫WHEN DID YOU START? ‫- LAST WEEK.
‫IT IS THE DUMBEST JOB EVER, ‫BUT THEY RECRUITED ME.
‫PLUS MY PARENTS HAVE BEEN ‫REAL A-HOLES SINCE THE DIVORCE.
‫THEY KEEP HANGING ALL ‫THIS MONEY STUFF OVER ME,
‫SO I FIGURED I'D MAKE ‫MY OWN MONEY.
‫- GRANTED, I HADN'T SEEN HIM ‫ALL SUMMER,
‫BUT THIS SEEMED SO UN-MATTY,
‫I DIDN'T REALLY KNOW ‫WHAT TO SAY.
‫HOW'S BAILEY? ‫- SHE'S FINE.
‫I GUESS. I HAVEN'T SEEN HER ‫IN A FEW MONTHS.
‫I'M PRETTY SURE SHE MOVED.
‫- YOU AND SHE--
‫- THAT FIZZLED PRETTY FAST ‫AFTER PROM.
‫- OH, I THOUGHT YOU AND HER ‫ARE--
‫- I JUST WASN'T REALLY ‫FEELING IT.
‫- IS THERE, LIKE, ANY STUFF ‫ON SALE RIGHT NOW?
‫- I HAVE NO CLUE.
‫THEY DON'T WANT ME ANSWERING ‫QUESTIONS ABOUT THE MERCHANDISE.
‫- SO WHAT IS IT ‫YOU ACTUALLY DO HERE?
‫- AH, CODE RED. ‫YEAH, CODE RED.
‫- OKAY, WHAT WAS UP WITH MATTY ‫BEING SINGLE ALL SUMMER?
‫AND WHY WAS IT BUGGING ME ‫SO MUCH?
‫DID JAKE TELL YOU MATTY ‫WAS SINGLE?
‫- NO. ‫- IT'S WEIRD.
‫I STILL THINK ‫THERE'S SOMETHING BETWEEN US.
‫- YEAH, AFTER ‫LAST YEAR'S LAMENTABLE LEGACY
‫OF DECEIT, DOUBLE DEALING, ‫AND DAMAGE,
‫YOU THINK HE WANTS TO COME BACK ‫FOR ANOTHER SERVING OF THAT?
‫YOU NEED TO GET YOUR HOUSE ‫IN ORDER
‫BEFORE YOU THINK ABOUT GETTING ‫A MAN IN YOUR LIFE.
‫- TELL ME ABOUT IT.
‫MAY I?
‫- PLEASE. ‫- OH.
‫I AM SO DONE WITH MEN.
‫AT LEAST HIGH SCHOOL BOYS.
‫I DON'T [bleep] WHERE I EAT.
‫A HIGH SCHOOL GUY HAS ‫A BETTER CHANCE
‫OF WINNING THE LOTTERY THAN ‫HE DOES FINDING YOUR G-SPOT.
‫- I CAN'T BELIEVE ‫YOU HEARD THAT.
‫- SORRY, I WASN'T TRYING ‫TO EAVESDROP.
‫IT'S JUST KIND OF LONELY ‫BEING THE NEW GIRL,
‫AND YOU GUYS SEEM LIKE THE ONLY ‫INTERESTING SENIOR GIRLS.
‫I MEAN, THAT BIG CHEERLEADER ‫OVER THERE
‫SCARES THE CRAP OUT OF ME.
‫- I DON'T LIKE TO JUDGE,
‫AND AS CLASS PRESIDENT
‫IT IS MY OBLIGATION TO ‫PROTECT ALL OF MY CONSTITUENTS,
‫BUT SHE'S A "SEE YOU NEXT ‫TUESDAY" SEVEN DAYS A WEEK.
‫- WELL, I'VE BEEN ‫A VICTIM OF BULLYING,
‫AND I CAN'T REALLY HANDLE ‫ANY MORE EMOTIONAL SCARRING.
‫- YOU WERE BULLIED? ‫- WELL, PEOPLE GET JEALOUS.
‫I'M SURE YOU GUYS ‫KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE.
‫- WHERE ARE YOU FROM?
‫- I JUST MOVED HERE ‫FROM THE CITY,
‫FROM NEW YORK ‫TO LIVE WITH MY DAD.
‫SO WHAT HAPPENED ‫WITH YOUR MAN?
‫- OH, PLEASE. ‫HOW MANY HOURS DO YOU HAVE?
‫- IT'S COMPLICATED, ‫BUT I'M TRYING TO STAY AWAY
‫FROM GUY DRAMA ‫AND FOCUS ON SCHOOL.
‫SPEAKING OF WHICH, ‫HAVE YOU SEEN THE COLLEGE APPS?
‫I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO START. ‫- I DO.
‫NUMBER ONE, TAKE THE CHEER ‫EQUIPMENT MANAGER POSITION.
‫AND NUMBER TWO, ‫LEARN HOW TO SCHEDULE.
‫YOU NEED A SEPARATE CALENDAR ‫FOR EACH CLASS AND ACTIVITY.
‫AND MAKE SURE YOU SCHEDULE ‫YOUR FREE TIME, TOO.
‫SO YOU HAVE BLOCKS OF TIME ‫FOR HOMEWORK--
‫30 MINUTES IS OPTIMAL.
‫FOR EXERCISE ‫I LIKE 20 MINUTES,
‫AND FOR SEX WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND, ‫TEN MINUTES TOPS--
‫- SHE'S INTENSE.
‫- THERE'S NO WAY I CAN GET ‫ANYTHING DONE
‫WITH EVERY MOMENT ‫OF MY LIFE SCHEDULED.
‫IT'S TOO OVERWHELMING. ‫- I'LL HELP YOU.
‫- NO, THANKS. ‫I'D RATHER DO IT ON MY OWN.
‫- SUIT YOURSELF. ‫- I JUST WANTED TO REMIND YOU
‫I EXPECT YOUR VOTE ‫FOR CHEER CAPTAIN.
‫- WHO ELSE IS RUNNING? ‫- IT DOESN'T MATTER.
‫IF YOU WANT TO REMAIN ‫SCHOOL PRESIDENT,
‫VOTE FOR ME OR I'LL START ‫IMPEACHMENT PROCEEDINGS.
‫- EXCUSE ME. ON WHAT GROUNDS? ‫- I HAVEN'T DECIDED YET.
‫LUCKILY, ‫THAT WON'T BE NECESSARY
‫SINCE YOU'VE DECIDED ‫TO VOTE FOR ME.
‫- HI, BLACKBULLYING.
‫- THAT'S YOUR OWN LITTLE LESSON ‫ON HOW POLITICS
‫WORK IN THE REAL WORLD.
‫YOU'RE WELCOME.
‫- THERE IS NO WAY I'M DOING ‫THAT CHEER SQUAD.
‫THERE ARE PLENTY ‫OF OTHER CLUBS I CAN JOIN.
‫[Ways To Phrase a Rejection ‫by Drowners]
‫*
‫- * I WISH I'D KNOWN YOU ‫HAD OTHER PLANS FOR ME *
‫* ON THOSE THURSDAY NIGHTS ‫AT SWEET PARADISE *
‫* I WAITED PATIENTLY
‫* BUT YOU WERE LOOKING FOR WAYS ‫TO PHRASE A REJECTION *
‫*
‫- DESPERATE TIMES CALLED ‫FOR VERY DESPERATE MEASURES.
‫- IF THE SEX FIEND'S GONNA ‫BE HANDLING THE POM-POMS,
‫I THINK REGULAR DIPS ‫IN BLEACH AND VALTREX
‫WOULD BE PRUDENT.
‫- WOULD RUIN THE POMS.
‫- I MEANT FOR JENNA. ‫- ALL RIGHT, EVERYONE.
‫IT'S TIME TO ELECT ‫CHEER CAPTAIN.
‫NOW THESE BALLOTS ARE ANONYMOUS, ‫SO REMEMBER,
‫VOTE YOUR CONSCIENCE,
‫VOTE YOUR HEART, ‫VOTE YOUR SOUL.
‫- EVERYONE JUST VOTE FOR ME,
‫AND LET'S GET THIS OVER ‫WITH, OKAY?
‫- [pants]
‫I MADE IT!
‫YAY!
‫- WHERE WERE YOU? ‫- AFRICA.
‫IT WAS SO NEAT.
‫WE SPREAD THE WORD ALL OVER ‫THE DARK CONTINENT.
‫- THERE'S SOMETHING REALLY NASTY ‫STUCK IN YOUR HAIR.
‫- MY LITTLE BROTHER SPIT UP ‫ON THE PLANE.
‫WE ADOPTED A LITTLE BROTHER.
‫HE WAS A HEATHEN, ‫AND WE TOTALLY SAVED HIM.
‫YAY!
‫- RACING ACROSS THE GLOBE ‫TO MAKE CHEER PRACTICE--
‫WOW, THAT SETS ‫THE SCHOOL SPIRIT BAR SKY-HIGH.
‫- UP WHERE JESUS IS. ‫- MM-HMM.
‫GOOD WORK, LISSA.
‫- THANKS. ‫I'M HUMBLED.
‫- ALL RIGHT, EVERYONE, ‫WRITE DOWN
‫YOUR PICK FOR CHEER CAPTAIN.
‫ANOTHER FOR LISSA.
‫GOOD CHOICE, TRINA.
‫WOW, THIS IS A TIGHT RACE.
‫IN FACT, IT'S DEAD EVEN.
‫- LISSA DOESN'T EVEN WANT ‫TO BE CHEER CAPTAIN.
‫- WELL, ‫IF I'M CALLED TO SERVE,
‫I GUESS I'D HAVE NO CHOICE.
‫- JENNA, ‫THE EQUIPMENT GIRL,
‫MAY I HAVE YOUR BALLOT, ‫PLEASE?
‫- I GET A VOTE? ‫- NO, YOU DON'T.
‫YOU'RE JUST ‫THE TEAM'S BITCH-SLAVE.
‫- ACTUALLY, YOU DO.
‫THIS IS A DEMOCRACY, ‫AND BITCH-SLAVES GET TO VOTE.
‫- AND THE WINNER IS...
‫DRUM ROLL, PLEASE.
‫JENNA, ‫THERE'S A DRUM IN THERE.
‫- [clears throat]
‫[playing drum roll]
‫- THE WINNER IS...
‫LISSA!
‫LISSA IS YOUR ‫NEW CHEER CAPTAIN.
‫- YAY! ‫- LISSA!
‫- YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS?
‫TREACHERY!
‫I BLAME YOU. ‫AND YOU.
‫AND MOST ESPECIALLY YOU, ‫YOU SLUNT!
‫THIS IS THE STUPIDEST,
‫SADDEST, ‫LAMEST CHEER SQUAD EVER!
‫[whimpers]
‫[screams]
‫- YEP, CHEER WAS DEPRESSING,
‫AND MY SCHOOL SPIRIT WAS ‫IN A FREE FALL.
‫I HAD A TON OF WORK TO DO, ‫AND THE LAST THING
‫I WANTED TO DEAL ‫WITH WAS SENIOR SLEEPOVER.
‫- YAY, SENIOR SLEEPOVER!
‫YOU ARE GONNA ‫HAVE SO MUCH FUN.
‫WHY AREN'T YOU IN YOUR JAMMIES? ‫WHERE'S YOUR BAG?
‫- I'M REALLY ‫NOT FEELING UP TO IT.
‫I WAS OKAY WITH BEING SINGLE.
‫JUST NOT AT SENIOR SLEEPOVER.
‫AND NOT WITH MATTY THERE.
‫MAYBE BECAUSE PART OF ME
‫ALWAYS THOUGHT ‫WE'D BE GOING TOGETHER.
‫- JENNA, THIS IS YOUR ONE ‫AND ONLY SENIOR SLEEPOVER EVER.
‫YOU DON'T WANT TO MISS IT.
‫MINE WAS SO MUCH FUN.
‫IN FACT, IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN ‫THE NIGHT YOU WERE CONCEIVED.
‫- I THOUGHT IT WAS ‫AT THE BONFIRE.
‫- ROMANTIC VERSION, IT ‫COULD'VE BEEN ANYWHERE, REALLY.
‫THE BONFIRE, ‫THE SENIOR SLEEPOVER,
‫THE DRESSING ROOM ‫AT CONTEMPO CASUALS.
‫YOUR FATHER COULDN'T KEEP ‫HIS HANDS OFF OF ME.
‫I WAS HOT STUFF. ‫I'D KILL TO GO BACK.
‫- WELL, WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO ‫IN MY PLACE?
‫YOU WOULDN'T.
‫- OH, JUST WATCH ME.
‫- MOVIES, CHECK. ‫REFRESHMENTS, CHECK.
‫SPRINKLERS OFF, CHECK. ‫WHAT AM I FORGETTING?
‫- TO RELAX. ‫- I CAN'T BE LAX ABOUT ANYTHING!
‫- I SAID, "RELAX."
‫- WHAT LANGUAGE ‫ARE YOU SPEAKING?
‫- [over loudspeaker] ‫WELCOME TO SENIOR SLEEPOVER.
‫WE'RE HERE TO HAVE FUN, ‫BUT TO DO SO
‫WHILE FOLLOWING THE RULES.
‫HERE ARE THE RULES--
‫NO ALCOHOL. ‫[all cheering]
‫NO SEX.
‫ONE PERSON PER SLEEPING BAG.
‫NO DOUBLE BAGGING.
‫NO TEA BAGGING, NO BJs,
‫NO JBs, NO JKs,
‫NO KKs, NO LOLs.
‫NO NUDITY.
‫NO MOTORBOATING, NO ROWBOATING, ‫[all cheering]
‫NO WATER SPORTS AT ALL, ‫WHATSOEVER.
‫NO DUNKING THE BISCUIT,
‫FLOGGING THE BISHOP, ‫OR WINDING THE WIMPLE,
‫NO REACH-AROUNDS, ‫NO LICKETY SPLITS,
‫NO SALAD-TOSSING,
‫NO SNACKING BETWEEN MEALS.
‫AND NO WARM WATERMELONS.
‫GOT IT? ‫NOW GET IT!
‫[all cheering]
‫- I DON'T GET IT!
‫I'VE NEVER ASKED ‫ANYTHING OF YOU, LISSA.
‫SO JUST RESIGN, ‫I'LL BE CHEER CAPTAIN,
‫AND LIFE WILL GO ON. ‫- I DON'T KNOW, SADIE,
‫IT SEEMS WRONG.
‫- WHAT'S WRONG ‫IS YOU TAKING SOMETHING
‫THAT ISN'T YOURS.
‫- BUT PEOPLE VOTED FOR ME.
‫I WAS CALLED.
‫[cell phone chimes]
‫HI. ‫- LISSA.
‫IT'S ME CALLING YOU
‫TO TELL YOU ‫TO GIVE THE [bleep] UP.
‫- OH, GA--
‫KYLE!
‫HAND CHECK!
‫[over loudspeaker] ‫NO VIDEO GAMES,
‫NO HUNGER GAMES,
‫NO MONKEY BUSINESS,
‫NO "PIN THE TAIL ‫ON THE DONKEY,"
‫AND NO PLUSHIES WHATSOEVER.
‫- * SHE IS GORGEOUS, ‫YOUNG, AND SWEET *
‫* OH, OH
‫- CAN I CAMP OUT WITH YOU GUYS?
‫I ALREADY TOOK ‫MY MUSCLE RELAXERS,
‫SO I'LL BE OUT SOLID ‫FOR, LIKE, 12 HOURS.
‫- SURE. ‫- HEY.
‫I'M EVA. ‫I'M THE NEW GIRL.
‫I THINK WE HAVE ‫THE SAME MATH CLASS TOGETHER.
‫- OH. YEAH. ‫WOW. MATH.
‫I'M JAKE. ‫- AND I'M MATTY.
‫THAT'S GOTTA BE ROUGH, ‫SWITCHING SCHOOLS SENIOR YEAR.
‫- DO YOU HAVE ANY ‫ABSINTHE OR MELATONIN?
‫I HAVEN'T SLEPT ON THE GROUND ‫SINCE MY PARENTS MADE US
‫SPEND THAT ONE SUMMER ‫AT AN ASHRAM IN INDIA.
‫- OH, YEAH. ‫WOW, INDIA.
‫- WE SMOKED OPIUM
‫AND DID YOGA ALL DAY ‫AND GOT REALLY DEEP INTO TANTRA.
‫- I'VE HEARD OF THAT.
‫- I'M TELLING YOU,
‫TANTRA IS ALL YOU NEED ‫TO KNOW
‫FOR MIND-BLOWING SEX.
‫TANTRA WILL RELEASE ‫THE FIRE-BREATHING DRAGON
‫IN YOUR VAGINA.
‫- OKAY!
‫TIME FOR EVERYONE'S FAVORITE
‫HIGH SCHOOL ‫MUSICAL MASTERPIECES,
‫FROM GREASE TO HAIRSPRAY!
‫[upbeat music]
‫*
‫- PINK FLAMINGOS? ‫WTF IS PINK FLAMINGOS?
‫THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ‫HAIRSPRAY!
‫- IT'S JUST A DIFFERENT ‫JOHN WATERS MOVIE.
‫IT'S PROBABLY THE SAME THING.
‫- WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO SEE
‫IS A REAL THING. ‫[cheerful music plays]
‫- WELL, THIS IS DIFFERENT.
‫- AT LEAST IT'S NOT ‫A HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL.
‫OR TWILIGHT.
‫DO YOU REMEMBER ‫YOU MADE ME TAKE YOU
‫TO SEE THAT? ‫- OKAY.
‫WELL, YOU MADE ME SIT ‫THROUGH
‫ALL THREE TRANSFORMERS MOVIES.
‫- "OH, BELLA!"
‫"EDWARD." ‫"BELLA."
‫- OKAY, ‫I'M A HOPELESS ROMANTIC.
‫- WELL, DON'T BE ‫A HOPELESS ONE.
‫*
‫OH!
‫[crowd booing, ‫screaming]
‫- HEY, WATCH THE MOVIE!
‫HEY! HEY! HEY!
‫- WHAT IS THIS [bleep] SHOW
‫THAT IS LITERALLY ‫A [bleep] SHOW?
‫- OH, COME ON!
‫[crowd booing]
‫- YO! YO! WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! ‫WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! WHOA!
‫- I SAID MOVIE MAGIC, ‫NOT MOVIE TRAGIC!
‫WHAT HAPPENED TO MY ‫SWEET, ROMANTIC
‫TEEN HIGH SCHOOL ‫MUSICAL COMEDIES?
‫- YOU NEED TO TAKE THAT ‫SICK MUSICAL COMEDY FETISH
‫OF YOURS OUT BACK AND PUT ‫A BULLET IN ITS HEAD.
‫- THESE PEOPLE NEED SOME REAL ‫JOHN WATERS IN THEIR LIVES.
‫- YOU'RE GOING TO GIVE PEOPLE ‫NIGHTMARES!
‫both: OOH.
‫- WELL, AT LEAST THEIR ‫NIGHTMARES
‫WILL BE INTERESTING ‫INSTEAD OF SOME
‫SICK HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL TRASH!
‫- ARE THOSE CANNABIS LOLLIPOPS?
‫NO DRUGS OR ALCOHOL ALLOWED!
‫ARE YOU TRYING TO SPOIL THIS ‫FOR EVERYONE?
‫- WE HAVE PRESCRIPTIONS. ‫- WE NEED IT FOR THE ANXIETY
‫YOU'RE GIVING US RIGHT NOW.
‫- PUT ON SOMETHING ELSE.
‫PLEASE.
‫both: BASKET CASE!
‫- I'M NOT GOING TO BE THREATENED ‫BY SOME ADOLESCENT PUNK
‫WITH A SMOLDERING GRUDGE,
‫UNLESS YOU'VE GROWN SOMETHING ‫ELSE YOU WANT TO CUT OFF.
‫WHAT'S IN THE BASKET?
‫- [screams]
‫[cheers and applause]
‫- [laughs] ‫- HORROR IS NOT MY GENRE.
‫- THEN LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.
‫COME ON.
‫- [sighs] ‫- WHAT'S WRONG?
‫- EVERYTHING.
‫EVERYTHING IS WRONG.
‫DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH PRESSURE ‫I'M UNDER?
‫PHOTO FIASCO, FILTHY FLICKS,
‫COLLEGE TRAPPLICATIONS, ‫CHEER JEER--
‫ALL THIS TENSION IS BUILDING UP ‫AND, NO OFFENSE,
‫BUT THE BIG "O" ‫HAS BEEN A BIG NO-SHOW
‫IN THE JAKE AND TAMARA ‫HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL.
‫- HUH? ‫- JAKE, HOW MANY TIMES,
‫IF YOU HAD TO GUESS, ‫DO YOU THINK WE'VE HAD SEX?
‫- A THOUSAND? ‫- CLOSE.
‫101. ‫AND OUT OF THOSE 101 TIMES,
‫HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU ‫HAD AN ORGASM?
‫- 101. DUH.
‫IT'S PROBABLY MORE ‫LIKE 125.
‫SOMETIMES I HAVE A TWO-FER.
‫WHY? HOW MANY HAVE YOU HAD?
‫- MAYBE HALF. ‫- SO LIKE 60?
‫- ACTUALLY, HALF OF 101 ‫IS ACTUALLY 50.5,
‫HOW ARE WE SO CLOSE ‫IN CLASS RANK?
‫ANYWAY, NO.
‫I HAVEN'T HAD 50.5 ORGASMS.
‫MORE LIKE ‫50 HALF-GASMS.
‫- "HALF-GASMS"? ‫JESUS, TAMARA.
‫JUST TELL ME ‫WHAT THE PROBLEM IS.
‫- I DON'T KNOW. ‫I'M NOT A SEXPERT.
‫- WELL, LET'S FIGURE IT OUT.
‫- AWFUL LOT OF STUFF ‫GOING ON UP THERE.
‫- A BUCKETLOAD OF STARS.
‫- AND WE'RE JUST ON THIS ‫TINY, SPINNING BALL OF CLAY.
‫KIND OF MAKES ME FEEL LIKE ‫ALL THIS
‫COLLEGE STUFF ‫I'VE BEEN STRESSING ABOUT
‫ISN'T THAT EARTH-SHATTERING.
‫- THE LAST TIME I CHECKED, ‫THE EARTH WAS STILL HERE.
‫YEP.
‫STILL ONE BIG OLD CHUNK.
‫- YOU LIKE THAT?
‫- NO. IT'S PORNY.
‫- HOW ABOUT THAT? HUH?
‫OH, COME ON, BABY, ‫IT'S HOT, RIGHT?
‫TAMARA, YOU GOTTA TELL ME--
‫- IT'S OKAY, ‫JUST NOT THE TALKING.
‫AND WILL YOU EASE UP ‫DOWN THERE?
‫YOU'RE NOT TOUCHING ANYTHING ‫THAT HAS SENSATION.
‫- [grunts] ‫- [groans]
‫- [over loudspeaker] ‫WHAT WAS THAT?
‫- IT'S NO USE! ‫YOU'RE NEVER GONNA GET ME OFF!
‫[laughter]
‫- GOOD MORNING, ‫PALOS HILLS SENIORS!
‫THIS IS YOUR LIFE.
‫TIME TO PUT THE SHAKE UP ‫IN YOUR WAKE UP
‫AND MAKE...IT...HAPPEN!
‫- WELL, THIS IS ‫AN EMBARRASSMENT OF GLITCHES.
‫MY SECRET SHAME-OUT ‫IS NOW A PUBLIC FLAME-OUT.
‫- RELAX, TAMARA. ‫NO ONE KNOWS IT WAS YOU.
‫- "OH, JAKE." ‫[groans]
‫- I'LL CUT YOU, DUDE!
‫YOU NEED TO LET GO OF SHAME
‫AND JUST GET TO KNOW ‫YOUR OWN BODY.
‫- OH, NO, I AM NOT ‫INTO TICKLING MY FANCY.
‫- WELL, IF YOU DON'T KNOW ‫YOUR OWN BODY,
‫THEN HOW DO YOU EXPECT ‫SOME GUY TO?
‫- OH, YOU CAN CATCH.
‫NOW SHOW ME ‫IF YOU CAN ALSO FETCH.
‫YOU SHOULD FEEL RIGHT AT HOME ‫IN THERE.
‫- MY LITTLE BROTHER'S HERE.
‫COME AND MEET HIM. ‫COME ON.
‫HI, MOMMY.
‫- HI, BABY. ‫- WHERE'S YOUR LITTLE BROTHER?
‫- OH, HE'S IN THE BACKSEAT. ‫HE'S FINISHING HIS BOTTLE.
‫- [British accent] ‫THIS WATER IS SO LUXURIOUS.
‫LIGHTLY CARBONATED,
‫NATURAL BLACKBERRY ESSENCE, ‫ELECTROLYTES--
‫GOD TRULY HAS ‫BLESSED AMERICA.
‫- HIS NAME IS MUGABO. ‫BUT WE CALL HIM TYLER.
‫- YOU MUST BE SADIE.
‫LISSA SPEAKS SO HIGHLY OF YOU.
‫- OKAY, YOU'RE LIKE 40.
‫- [chuckles] ‫ONLY 18.
‫- WE THINK OF HIM ‫AS JUST TWO MONTHS
‫BECAUSE THAT'S WHEN HE MET US,
‫WAS SAVED AND BORN AGAIN-- ‫PRAISE BE.
‫- WHAT RELIGION EXACTLY ‫WERE YOU SAVED FROM?
‫WORSHIPPING FERTILITY IDOLS?
‫FIRE WALKING?
‫- ACTUALLY MY FAMILY'S CATHOLIC, ‫BUT I DID ATTEND
‫THE ANGLICAN CHURCH WHEN ‫I WENT TO SCHOOL IN ENGLAND.
‫- AND WE ARE SO HAPPY ‫TO HAVE TYLER IN OUR FOLD NOW.
‫- I AM VERY MUCH ‫LOOKING FORWARD
‫TO A YEAR ‫IN AMERICAN HIGH SCHOOL.
‫IT'S A DREAM COME TRUE. ‫- [giggles]
‫- WHILE SOME DREAMS ‫WERE COMING TRUE,
‫MY LIFE WAS A NIGHTMARE.
‫EVEN LISSA HAD IT TOGETHER--
‫A WAY HIGHER CLASS RANK ‫THAN ME, CHEER CAPTAIN,
‫AND A VERY HOT ‫CHARITABLE ENDEAVOR.
‫I HAD TO GET WITH THE PROGRAM.
‫THE FIRST ITEMS ON MY ‫TO-DO LIST WERE PRETTY BASIC--
‫ONE, MAKE TO-DO LIST.
‫TWO, SUCK IT UP.
‫THREE, FOCUS. ‫NUMBER THREE WAS HARD.
‫'CAUSE I KEPT THINKING ‫ABOUT HOW NICE
‫IT WAS SLEEPING ‫ON THE GRASS NEXT TO MATTY.
‫NUMBERS FOUR, FIVE, AND SIX, ‫CHOOSE COLLEGES TO APPLY TO,
‫FILL OUT COMMON APPLICATION, ‫WRITE ESSAY.
‫IT WAS A LOT EASIER ‫TO THINK ABOUT
‫HOW MATTY SMELLED ‫LIKE SOAP AND SWEAT AND--
‫WHAT WAS NUMBER THREE AGAIN?
‫FOCUS. FOCUS. ‫FOCUS. FOCUS.
‫BUT IT WAS TOO OVERWHELMING. ‫IT WAS TOO MUCH.
‫IT WAS--IT WAS--
‫[groans]
‫- OH, GOD, AGAIN! ‫- OH, GOD, SWEETHEART!
‫I THOUGHT YOU WERE ‫GETTING A LOCK!
‫- I'M PREPARING FOR COLLEGE!
‫- AH, SO PROUD OF YOU, SWEETIE.
‫AND IT LOOKS LIKE YOU GOT ‫YOUR WORK CUT OUT FOR YOU.
‫HMM? ‫- YEAH.
‫WELL, SO FAR, ‫I'VE ONLY FILLED OUT MY ADDRESS.
‫NEXT QUESTION IS ‫"WHAT ARE YOU GOOD AT?"
‫HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT?
‫- YOU'RE GOOD AT LOTS OF THINGS. ‫- LIKE WHAT?
‫- LIKE TONS OF STUFF. ‫LIKE...
‫UH...
‫- YOU'RE GOOD AT...
‫BEING INTERESTING.
‫- AND YOU'RE A GOOD WRITER.
‫'CAUSE YOU'RE FUNNY AND SMART.
‫"NAME SOMETHING YOU HATE ‫AND WHY?
‫"ANSWERING STUPID QUESTIONS ‫FOR COLLEGES
‫"I PROBABLY WON'T GET INTO
‫BECAUSE I WAS STONED ‫TAKING THE S.A.T.s"?
‫- YOU CAN'T USE THAT, JENNA.
‫WERE YOU REALLY STONED
‫THE DAY ‫THAT YOU TOOK THE SATs?
‫- SADLY, NO.
‫- JUST COME UP WITH FUN ‫AND INTERESTING ANSWERS
‫FOR THESE ESSAYS. ‫- YEAH.
‫A LITTLE ORIGINALITY ‫IN YOUR ANSWERS
‫WILL HELP YOU STAND OUT ‫FROM A BUNCH
‫OF BORING OVERACHIEVERS.
‫- YOUR WORDS ‫ARE YOUR OPPORTUNITY
‫TO SHOW THESE COLLEGES ‫WHO YOU ARE--
‫- AND WHO THEY'D BE MISSING ‫OUT ON
‫IF THEY CHOSE A SMARTER KID.
‫- HMM.
‫[laid-back music]
‫*
‫- * I'M NOT MYSELF ‫I'M SO *
‫- THEY SAY THAT THE FIRST STEP ‫IN FIXING A PROBLEM
‫IS TO ADMIT ‫YOU'RE POWERLESS OVER IT.
‫OR MAYBE THAT'S JUST ‫WITH DRUGS AND ALCOHOL,
‫I DON'T KNOW--BUT IT SEEMED ‫RIGHT JUST THE SAME.
‫I JUST HAD TO DO IT.
‫AND SUDDENLY ‫IT JUST CAME SPEWING OUT,
‫LINE AFTER LINE, ‫PARAGRAPH AFTER PARAGRAPH.
‫I'D HAVE TO CHANGE THE NAMES, ‫BUT I COULD DO THIS.
‫I WAS SUCCEEDING.
‫BECAUSE, NOT TO TOOT ‫MY OWN HORN,
‫BUT I AM SORT OF INTERESTING.
‫AND BEST OF ALL, ‫I WAS FOCUSED.
‫[knock on door]
‫- HEY.
‫- HOPE THIS ISN'T WEIRD.
‫[chuckles]
‫BEEN A WHILE SINCE ‫I'VE BEEN AT THIS DOOR.
‫- YEAH.
‫- SHOULD--SHOULD I GO BACK OUT ‫AND COME TO THE FRONT?
‫- THAT'D BE KIND OF WEIRD ‫SINCE YOU'RE ALREADY HERE.
‫- YEAH.
‫- COME IN.
‫YOU CAN SIT DOWN OR WHATEVER.
‫- ON THE BED? ‫- YEAH.
‫OR THE CHAIR OR SOMETHING.
‫HE CHOSE THE BED.
‫AND I HAD A FEELING ‫MY NEW-FOUND FOCUS
‫WAS ABOUT TO GO FUZZY.
‫BUT MAYBE THAT WASN'T ENTIRELY ‫A BAD THING.
‫ALL WRITERS NEED A MUSE.
‫MAYBE A LITTLE MATTY ‫DISTRACTION ACTION
‫WOULD FURTHER FUEL ‫MY NEW LITERARY FIRE.
‫PERHAPS IT WAS TIME ‫FOR A LITTLE STUDY BREAK.
‫- SO...
‫COULD YOU HELP ME ‫WITH MY ESSAYS?
‫- HUH?
‫- THESE STUPID COLLEGE ESSAYS ‫ARE SO LAME.
‫"WHAT AM I GOOD AT?"
‫[laughs] ‫HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW?
‫- THAT'S WHY YOU'RE HERE?
‫YOU WANT ME TO HELP YOU ‫WITH YOUR ESSAYS?
‫- YOU'RE A PRETTY DECENT WRITER. ‫- "PRETTY DECENT"?
‫I SUDDENLY HAD A ZERO TOLERANCE ‫POLICY FOR DISTRACTION ACTION.
‫YOU KNOW, MATTY, I'VE GOT ‫MY OWN COLLEGE ESSAY QUESTIONS
‫TO ANSWER, AND MY OWN FUTURE ‫TO WORRY ABOUT,
‫BECAUSE, IN CASE ‫YOU HADN'T HEARD, I'M 137.
‫- OKAY.
‫SORRY I ASKED.
‫- TCBing-- ‫TAKING CARE OF BUSINESS--
‫MEANT WAKING UP IN MY CLOTHES ‫WITH A STIFF NECK
‫AND FEELING A LITTLE DEJECTED
‫THAT MATTY HAD COME TO ME ‫FOR HELP
‫WITH HIS ESSAY ‫AND NOT FOR--WELL, ME.
‫BUT AT LEAST I HAD GOTTEN ‫SOMETHING ACCOMPLISHED.
‫BABY STEPS.
‫[melancholy music]
‫*
‫- OH, CRAP.
‫[phone chimes] ‫OH.
‫OH, [bleep] ME. ‫[spits]
‫[chiming continues]
‫- I HAD ‫A REALLY PRODUCTIVE NIGHT.
‫- JENNA, I'M A LITTLE BUSY.
‫- WHY DO YOU SOUND SO UPTIGHT?
‫- BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN UP ‫ALL NIGHT DEALING
‫WITH STUDENT HANDBOOK REVISIONS ‫BECAUSE, APPARENTLY,
‫I'M THE ONLY ELECTED OFFICIAL ‫IN THIS SCHOOL
‫WHO KNOWS ‫HOW TO MULTITASK,
‫NOT TO MENTION ‫THE ONLY CHEERLEADER
‫WHO ACTUALLY KNOWS ‫HOW TO WRITE A CHEER,
‫AND THE ONLY AFS MEMBER ‫WHO KNOWS
‫THAT A BRAZILIAN EXCHANGE ‫STUDENT
‫CAN'T READ A SPANISH TEXTBOOK.
‫OH, ‫AND I'M THE ONLY GIRLFRIEND
‫WHO TOLD A FOOTBALL FIELD ‫FULL OF SENIORS
‫THAT HER BOYFRIEND, ‫WHO IS BARELY SPEAKING TO HER,
‫CAN'T GET HER OFF!
‫THAT IS WHY I'M SO UPTIGHT!
‫- YOU SERIOUSLY ‫NEED TO CHILLAX.
‫- I DON'T KNOW HOW!
‫[toothbrush buzzing]
‫- * WAKE UP EARLY ‫IN THE MORNING *
‫* AND I'M WAITING ‫FOR THE SUN TO RISE *
‫- OH. HELLO.
‫- I HAD ME SOME CHEERY Os ‫FOR THIS MORNING.
‫- * WHOA, OH-OH
‫* WHOA, OH-OH, ‫SHINE THE LIGHT *
‫- HEY.
‫YOU KNOW, IF YOU WEREN'T ‫BEING SATISFIED,
‫YOU COULD'VE JUST TOLD ME.
‫- I DID. ‫- I MEANT
‫NOT OVER A LOUDSPEAKER.
‫- NOBODY KNOWS IT WAS US.
‫- I SO DIDN'T NEED TO HEAR
‫THAT YOUR SEX LIFE ‫IS SEX DEATH.
‫NOT SURPRISED.
‫BUT STILL, KEEP THAT NASTINESS
‫TO YOURSELF, PLEASE.
‫- CLEARLY TAMARA'S ‫GPS-ING OF HER G-SPOT
‫WASN'T ENOUGH TO RELIEVE ‫THE ONGOING TENSION.
‫WHICH LEFT ME WONDERING ‫IF I'D BEEN TOO HARSH
‫WITH MATTY LAST NIGHT.
‫HEY, I'M SORRY ABOUT THE WAY ‫I HANDLED THINGS LAST NIGHT.
‫I'VE JUST GOT A LOT ‫ON MY PLATE--
‫- YES, WE ALL DO. ‫JENNA, IT'S COOL.
‫I GOTTA GET TO CLASS.
‫- SO WAS HE BLOWING ME OFF ‫BECAUSE HE THOUGHT
‫I'D BLOWN HIM OFF?
‫I WAS CONFUSED.
‫BUT I DIDN'T HAVE TIME TO BE,
‫BECAUSE I WAS WORKING ‫MY WAY DOWN THE LIST,
‫AND I HAD TO HURRY IF ‫I WAS GONNA FIX MY LIFE.
‫[knock on door]
‫- IT'S ALMOST 7:00. ‫AREN'T YOU GONNA EAT?
‫- I CAN'T, ‫I HAVE TO FINISH THIS ESSAY
‫AND MAKE SURE IT CAPTURES ‫THE ESSENCE OF MY BRAND.
‫- THIS IS GETTING RIDICULOUS. ‫YOUR "BRAND"?
‫JENNA, YOU CAN'T FIX ‫EVERYTHING OVERNIGHT.
‫YOU NEED TO EAT. ‫- BUT I HAVE TO WORK.
‫- WE'LL HAVE A WORKING DINNER.
‫- WE'RE IN, LIKE, ‫THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE.
‫- GOT A JOBSITE ‫RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER,
‫BEST FOOD TRUCKS ‫IN THE CITY, RIGHT HERE.
‫YOU'VE GOT KABOBS, ‫YOU'VE GOT CHINESE.
‫OOH, BRATS AND BEER.
‫[cell phone vibrates]
‫- HI, JAKE.
‫- HEY, SHOULD I COME OVER? ‫- NOW?
‫I HAVE A LOT OF STUFF TO DO. ‫LIKE, PILES OF STUFF.
‫I DON'T EVEN HAVE TIME ‫TO BRUSH MY TEETH.
‫- HMM.
‫THE BLUTWURST LOOKS GOOD, ‫BUT THE WEISSWURST
‫LOOKS PRETTY KILLER, TOO.
‫OR WOULD YOU RATHER JUST ‫GO WITH THE CLASSIC BRAT?
‫- I'M SORRY, ‫WE DON'T SERVE PEOPLE
‫WITH STUPID HATS OR MAN-BUNS.
‫AND WAX IS FOR CANDLES, ‫NOT MOUSTACHES.
‫YOU'RE WELCOME.
‫- SADIE?
‫- YOU BREATHE ONE WORD OF THIS, ‫HAMILTOE, ONE WORD,
‫AND I WILL [bleep] YOU UP.
‫- AS I WATCHED SADIE ‫HOCKING GERMAN WIENERS
‫IN THAT RIDICULOUS, ‫MUSTARD-STAINED UNIFORM,
‫I REALIZED SOMETHING.
‫WE ALL HAD VERY FULL PLATES.
‫NOT JUST ME.
‫DAD, GIVE ME A MINUTE.
‫[gentle music]
‫*
‫- WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE, ‫HAMILPERV?
‫AND WHERE DIDN'T YOU SEE ME?
‫- WHAT'S GOING ON? ‫I THOUGHT YOU WERE RICH AGAIN.
‫THE TWITTER THING?
‫- ARE YOU REALLY SO STUPID
‫THAT YOU BUY THAT ANYONE ‫BESIDES KIM KARDTRASHIAN
‫CAN EARN MONEY FROM ‫SOME STUPID TWITTER PLUGS?
‫- THE WHOLE SCHOOL BOUGHT IT. ‫- YEAH.
‫NOT A BRIGHT BUNCH.
‫IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS,
‫BUT MY PARENTS ‫ARE STILL POOR,
‫AND I'M STUCK WITH ‫THAT PICKLED TROLL, ALLY,
‫AND I HATE ASKING HER ‫FOR MONEY.
‫- WELL, WHAT ABOUT ‫THE MERCEDES?
‫- OH, PLEASE.
‫[car chirps]
‫- COME ON. I NEED TO TAN.
‫- I'M NOT YOUR CHAUFFEUR. ‫- ACTUALLY, YOU ARE.
‫IT'S THE REASON I LET YOU DRIVE ‫MY SWEET BABY BENZ.
‫- ACTUALLY, ‫THAT'S NOT THE REASON.
‫YOU KNOW WHERE ‫THE TANNING SALON IS.
‫DRIVE YOURSELF.
‫I HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO.
‫- OH.
‫- AND BY THE WAY, I DON'T NEED ‫YOUR STUPID CAR ANYMORE.
‫- OH, SHUT UP AND BLOW.
‫- [exhales]
‫[car beeping]
‫THAT'S RIGHT.
‫[engine turns]
‫- DO YOU NEED A RIDE?
‫IF ANY OF US WERE EVER GOING
‫TO DEAL WITH ‫WHAT WAS ON OUR PLATES
‫AND BECOME THE ADULTS ‫WE WANTED TO BE,
‫WE WERE GOING TO HAVE ‫TO BE SMART ABOUT IT.
‫THERE WAS STILL A BUNCH OF ‫THINGS WE NEEDED TO LEARN--
‫WE NEEDED TO LEARN ‫WHEN TO ASK FOR HELP...
‫[hopeful music]
‫WHEN TO ACCEPT HELP...
‫AND MOST OF ALL, ‫WHEN TO HELP SOMEONE ELSE.
‫*
‫HEY.
‫- COME ON IN.
‫I REALLY APPRECIATE THIS.
‫- IT'S COOL. ‫I'M A "PRETTY DECENT" WRITER.
‫AND I'LL DO MY BEST TO MAKE YOU ‫NOT SOUND LIKE A TEENAGE GIRL.
‫- [laughs]
‫- I'M SORRY IF ‫I SOUNDED BITCHY EARLIER.
‫I'VE BEEN KIND OF STRESSED.
‫- IT'S KIND OF A STRESSFUL YEAR.
‫*
‫NEXT ON AWKWARD... ‫- HIDE ME
‫I DON'T WANT JAKE TO ASK ME ‫WHAT I THINK OF THIS VIDEO.
‫I HAVE NO POKER FACE. ‫- HOLD ON.
‫WHEN DID I SAY ‫I WANTED TO BE A COUPLE?
‫I TOLD YOU, ‫I'M NOT OVERTHINKING THIS.
‫- YOU'RE NOT? ‫SO I LISTENED TO YOUR NEW SONG,
‫AND NO JK--IT'S THE REALS. ‫- WE NEED TO TALK.
‫- IF HE WANTS TO TALK, WE'LL ‫TALK--I'M NOT GONNA PUSH IT.
‫YOU KNOW, YOU'VE BEEN IGNORING ‫ME, AND I'M JUST WONDERING WHY.
‫- THIS ISN'T ABOUT YOU.
‫<<